The Day I Realised My Emotions Were My Pain’s Best Friend

From chronic suffering to unexpected freedom: How embracing my emotions changed everything

Have you ever felt like your body was having a laugh at your expense or punishing you? As if no matter what you did, the pain just wouldn’t listen and give you a moment’s peace?

I remember that feeling all too well. It was a dreary Tuesday afternoon, and I was curled up on my sofa, feeling utterly disempowered. The throbbing in my back had been my constant companion for months, and on that day, it felt like I was falling apart.

Little did I know, that moment of despair would mark the start of a journey that would change everything—a journey that might just do the same for you.

The Whisper I Nearly Missed

As I lay there, a thought whispered through the fog of my pain: “What if the key isn’t in your back pain at all?”

I know, I know. If you’re anything like I was, you’re probably thinking, “Oh, brilliant. Another person telling me it’s all in my head.” But stay with me for a moment, because what I discovered next knocked me for six—and it might just do the same for you.

The Dance Partners Nobody Told Us About

Here’s the thing: our bodies and our emotions? They’re like dance partners in the world’s most complicated tango. Every step, every turn, they are in sync. When one moves, the other follows. Remember the last time you were stressed about a deadline? Did your shoulders creep up towards your ears? Did your jaw clench just a little tighter? That is this dance in action.

Now, imagine this dance going on for months, years even. Is it any wonder our bodies start to ache?

We’ve Been Looking at Pain All Wrong

We’ve been conditioned to see pain as a purely physical problem. We pop a painkiller, maybe go for a massage, and hope it’ll sort itself out. But what if I told you that physical pain and emotions are intertwined in a way that isn’t just poetic but scientific?

You see, our thoughts and feelings trigger biochemical changes in our bodies. When we’re stressed or anxious, our brain releases stress hormones like cortisol and adrenaline. These chemicals prepare us for “fight or flight,” increasing muscle tension and sensitising our nervous system. This heightened state can amplify pain signals, making even the smallest discomfort feel like a major ordeal.

Think about it: ever noticed how a minor ache can become unbearable when you’re having a bad day? Or how pain seems more manageable when you’re relaxed and happy? That’s not a coincidence. Emotional states can modulate our perception of pain.

Scientists call this the biopsychosocial model of pain. It recognises that biological factors (like tissue damage), psychological factors (like mood and stress), and social factors (like support networks) all play a role in how we experience pain. It’s a bit like a mixing desk in a recording studio—turn one knob up or down, and the whole sound changes.

Moreover, chronic stress can lead to a state called central sensitisation, where the nervous system becomes overreactive. It’s like your body’s alarm system gets stuck on high alert. Normal sensations become painful, and painful sensations feel even worse.

But here’s the kicker: because this process involves real physiological changes, it’s not “all in your head” in the dismissive way people often mean. Pain is created in the unconscious part of your brain but it is felt in the body. Your emotions don’t just influence your pain—they can fundamentally alter your body’s response to it.

The Equation That Changed Everything

It struck me like a bolt out of the blue when I finally saw it—a simple equation that made everything click:

Chronic Pain = Physical Sensation + Negative Emotion

At first glance, it seems almost too straightforward. But here’s the twist—and I reckon you might see a bit of yourself in this—it’s not just about experiencing negative emotions; it’s about how we react to them. And when we resist or suppress these emotions, things can spiral out of control. The equation evolves:

Intense Chronic Pain = Physical Sensation + (Negative Emotion × Resistance)

Let’s unpack this a bit. Imagine you’re dealing with persistent pain—maybe it’s that nagging backache or a relentless migraine. Alongside the physical discomfort, a wave of negative emotions sweeps in: fear that it will never end, frustration over your limitations, perhaps even anger at the unfairness of it all.

What do most of us do when these emotions surface? We try to push them away. “Not now,” we tell ourselves. “I haven’t got time for this. I just need to get on with things.” We bottle up the fear, suppress the frustration, and put on a brave face.

But here’s where it gets really interesting. The more we resist these emotions, the stronger they become. It’s like trying to hold a beach ball underwater—the harder you push it down, the more forcefully it pops back up. The suppressed emotions don’t just vanish; they linger beneath the surface, building pressure.

This resistance doesn’t just affect our emotional state—it has tangible physical consequences. When we suppress emotions like fear or anger, our body ramps up its stress response. Cortisol and adrenaline flood our system, our muscles tense up, and our nervous system goes into overdrive. This heightened state of arousal can amplify pain signals, making everything hurt that much more.

But what if we tried something different? What if, instead of resisting, we allowed ourselves to truly feel these emotions?

I know it might sound counterintuitive. Who wants to sit with fear or anger? But here’s the thing: emotions are like waves. They rise, peak, and eventually recede. By acknowledging them, we allow them to run their natural course. When we resist them, we trap ourselves in that peak, unable to move forward.

So, let’s revisit the equation with this new approach:

Reduced Pain = Physical Sensation (Negative Emotion and Resistance Reduced)

By embracing our emotions—giving them space without judgment—we reduce their intensity. The negative emotions lose their grip, and the resistance fades away. What’s left is the physical sensation alone, unamplified by our emotional turmoil.

Think about it. The physical sensation might still be there—a twinge, an ache—but without the emotional baggage and the stress response, it becomes more manageable. It’s no longer overshadowed by fear or magnified by resistance.

It’s a liberating realisation. We might not have control over the initial physical sensation, but we have a choice in how we respond to our emotions. By changing our relationship with them, we can influence our experience of pain.

Imagine standing in the rain. You can’t stop the rain from falling, but you can decide whether to run and hide, grumble and tense up, or to accept it, maybe even enjoy the feeling of the droplets on your skin. The rain doesn’t change, but your experience of it does.

Similarly, when we stop fighting our emotions and start acknowledging them, we break the cycle of amplification. The pain remains, but it’s no longer intensified by our emotional resistance. We can begin to address it, manage it, and perhaps even reduce it over time.

So next time you’re tempted to shove those feelings aside, consider taking a moment to acknowledge them. Sit with them. Breathe through them. It might just be the key to easing your pain.

By allowing ourselves to experience emotions fully, we create space for healing. The body relaxes, stress hormones decrease, and the nervous system calms down. The beach ball doesn’t need to be forced underwater because we’re no longer afraid of it floating beside us.

This shift doesn’t mean the pain magically disappears in the moment, but it transforms our relationship with it. Pain becomes a signal rather than a tyrant, a part of our experience rather than the whole of it. And in that space, we find the freedom to live more fully, despite the physical sensations that may still be present.

Remember, it’s not about eliminating pain in the moment but creating messages of safety. By addressing the emotional and resistance components, we’re left with the physical sensation alone—a sensation that, without the amplification of negative emotions and resistance, is often far more manageable.

Enjoying this article? Don't miss out on future insights! Subscribe now (it's free) to get fresh content delivered straight to your inbox. Your support fuels my work and helps keep these valuable resources coming.

Your Turn: Four Ways to Break Free

So how do we do this? How do we embrace what we’ve been fighting for so long? Here are four strategies that were game-changers for me and for my clients.

1. Somatic Tracking

Retrain your brain by tuning into your body with curiosity and compassion.

Begin by treating your body as a dear friend who’s trying to communicate with you. Instead of viewing pain as an enemy, consider it a messenger. Sit quietly and focus on the sensation without labelling it as “good” or “bad.” Ask yourself:

• Is the pain sharp, dull, throbbing, or aching?

• Does it stay in one place, or does it move around?

• What happens if I breathe into the area that’s hurting?

Expand your awareness by noticing any emotions or thoughts that arise alongside the pain. By observing pain without fear or judgement, we can reduce the brain’s threat response. This mindful attention can weaken the neural pathways that reinforce chronic pain, lessening its grip over time.

2. Pain Storytelling

Uncover the narratives that may be amplifying your pain experience.

Keeping a pain journal isn’t just about tracking symptoms; it’s about exploring the story your pain is telling. Each day, jot down:

• When the pain was most intense.

• What you were doing at the time.

• Any emotions or stresses you were experiencing.

• Thoughts that crossed your mind.

Over time, patterns may emerge—perhaps your pain spikes during stressful meetings or after arguments. This awareness is crucial as it helps you recognise that pain is not solely a physical phenomenon but is influenced by emotional and psychological factors. By identifying and reframing negative thought patterns, you can begin to change your brain’s response to pain.

3. Emotional Excavation

Release suppressed emotions to alleviate internal tension.

Spend a few minutes each day writing freely about your deepest feelings. Don’t censor yourself—this is a safe space for honesty. You might write about:

• Fears or anxieties you haven’t voiced.

• Resentments or frustrations you’re holding onto.

• Sadness or grief that you’ve pushed aside.

This process is akin to lancing a boil—it might be uncomfortable initially, but releasing pent-up emotions can prevent them from manifesting physically. Repressed emotions can fuel chronic pain by keeping your nervous system in a heightened state. By confronting and processing these feelings, you reduce their power and create room for healing.

4. Stress Release Rituals

Calm your nervous system by completing the stress cycle.

Find activities that help you discharge built-up stress hormones and signal to your body that it’s safe to relax. This could include:

• Physical Movement: Dance around your living room, go for a brisk walk, or engage in gentle stretching. Movement helps metabolise stress hormones like cortisol and adrenaline.

• Expressive Outlets: Have a good laugh, cry, or even a shout into a pillow. These expressions are natural ways to release emotional tension.

• Mindfulness Practices: Activities like yoga, tai chi, or meditation combine movement with breath, promoting relaxation and body awareness.

• Nature Immersion: Spend time outdoors. A ramble in the countryside or sitting in a park can have a soothing effect on the nervous system.

These rituals are vital because they help shift your body from a state of “fight or flight” to one of rest and repair. By regularly completing the stress cycle, you reduce overall tension, making it easier for your brain to reinterpret pain signals as non-threatening.

By incorporating these strategies into your daily routine, you’re not just managing symptoms; you’re actively rewiring your brain’s response to pain. Pain Reprocessing Therapy is about transforming your relationship with pain—from seeing it as a relentless adversary to understanding it as a modifiable experience influenced by your thoughts and emotions.

It’s about empowering yourself with tools to change how your brain perceives it. The journey might have its challenges, but each step you take is a move towards greater freedom and comfort.

So why not give it a go? Start with one of these strategies that resonates with you and see how it feels. Your path to relief might be closer than you think.

The Plot Twist You Never Saw Coming

But here’s where it gets really interesting. As I delved deeper into this practice, I discovered something truly surprising—something that turned my understanding of pain and emotions on its head. Sometimes, the emotions we think are the problem are actually protecting us from deeper, more daunting feelings.

Let me paint a picture. Imagine your emotions as a set of Russian nesting dolls. The outermost doll is what you present to the world—or even to yourself. It might be anger at your persistent pain, frustration over missed opportunities, or anxiety about the future. These emotions are intense, loud, and hard to ignore.

But if you dare to gently open that outer doll, you might find another emotion nestled inside. Perhaps it’s sadness—a deep well of grief over the life you feel you’ve lost. Maybe it’s a fear of vulnerability, the unsettling feeling that admitting to pain or emotional turmoil somehow makes you weak.

These surface emotions act as guardians, shielding you from confronting those deeper, scarier feelings that lie beneath. It’s as if your mind creates a diversion: by fixating on anger or anxiety, you avoid the rawness of sadness or fear that feels too overwhelming to face.

By courageously peeling back these layers—opening each doll one by one—you can finally address the core of your emotional pain. This isn’t about wallowing or self-pity; it’s about honest exploration. It’s about sitting with yourself in compassion and asking, “What am I really feeling?”

And here’s the kicker: as you begin to acknowledge and process these deeper emotions, your physical pain often starts to shift too. It’s like untangling a knot you’ve been wrestling with for years, only to find that it loosens with the lightest touch. The tension you’ve been holding—sometimes without even realising it—begins to ease.

I remember a moment when I realised that beneath my constant frustration was a profound sense of loss. I was grieving the activities I could no longer enjoy, the relationships that had become strained, the future I’d envisioned that seemed to be slipping away. Allowing myself to feel that sadness was tough—it brought tears and a vulnerability I wasn’t used to. But it was also incredibly liberating. As I sat with those feelings, without trying to fix or dismiss them, I noticed a subtle release in my body. The pain didn’t vanish overnight, but it began to lose its stranglehold.

This process of emotional unwrapping isn’t always easy. It takes patience, courage, and a willingness to be gentle with yourself. But it’s profoundly healing. You’re not just addressing symptoms; you’re getting to the root of the matter.

Think of it this way: your emotions are like messages in bottles washed up on the shore of your consciousness. They’ve been sent by parts of yourself that need attention. Ignoring the bottles doesn’t make them disappear—they just pile up. Taking the time to read each message can bring clarity, relief, and a sense of wholeness you might not have felt in years.

Your Own Hero’s Journey Begins Now

I won’t fib to you—this journey isn’t always a walk in the park. There were days when I wanted to throw in the towel, to revert to old habits of fighting my pain instead of listening to it. It’s tempting to stick with what we know, even if it’s not helping, because the unknown can be daunting.

But every small step forward, every moment of breakthrough, made it all worthwhile. The days when I allowed myself to sit with discomfort, both physical and emotional, were the days I felt most alive. It was as if by embracing my full experience—without labels or judgement—I was reclaiming parts of myself that had been lost.

And now? That constant companion of pain that I thought would never leave? It’s more like an occasional visitor. When it does show up, I know how to listen, how to dance with it instead of fighting against it. I ask, “What are you here to tell me?”Sometimes it’s a reminder to slow down, to rest, or to address a lingering worry I’ve been avoiding.

Your body, your emotions—they’re speaking to you right now. They have been all along, patiently waiting for you to tune in. Are you ready to listen? Are you ready to start your own journey to freedom?

Remember, every hero’s journey begins with a single step. This could be yours. It doesn’t require a grand gesture or a dramatic overhaul of your life. It starts with a simple decision to turn inward and to be present with whatever you find there.

Consider this: heroes in all the great stories face challenges not because they’re fearless, but because they choose to act despite their fears. They grow by confronting obstacles, learning from them, and continuing forward. Your journey is no different.

Embracing this path is an act of self-love and courage. It’s acknowledging that while you might not have control over every circumstance, you have the power to change your relationship with yourself. By doing so, you open the door to healing, growth, and possibilities you might not have imagined.

So, what do you say? Fancy giving it a go? The road might have its bumps, but you’re not alone. Others have walked this path, and support from me is available when you need it. Your journey awaits, and the first step is yours to take.

Let me know how you’re getting on—whether it’s questions, reflections, or experiences you’d like to share. I’d love to hear from you.

If you’d like support on your journey, I’d love to hear from you. Feel free to reach out, and we can have a friendly chat to see if my personalised approach is the right fit for you.